Blockheaded Observations on Lost 4.13

Here's the level of Lost fanatic I am: after returning home from seeing The Kids in the Hall at 1:00 AM last night,* I immediately watched all two hours of "There's No Place Like Home, Part 2."

I managed to stay awake this time--because the episode kicked that much ancient-Saltine-eating ass.

• I'm maintaining my long-standing position that the series is an exploration of the science behind Fantasy Island--all because of Locke's line, "It's a place where miracles happen." If Cuse & Lindelof were writing this show for another network and weren't prone to homage after homage, I'd leave it alone. But has Sawyer ever made an FI reference...and why wouldn't he? You can bow at my feet and buy me a beer in May 2010. I'll be the guy wearing the white suit saying, "Smiles, everyone."
• As much as I enjoyed the Sayid/Keamy fight, I liked Keamy killing his own man more. Perhaps he was a kickball champ in grade school.
• Maybe no one visited Walt because they couldn't recognize him.
• If Locke ever had a wife, she would have known better than to send him to Frank's for anthuriums. He would have wandered around all afternoon without asking for help. Duh.
• Instead of a Jacob and the Ghostbuster sitcom, now I'd rather see a spinoff series entitled Rose 'n Shorty. "Who told you you could eat those nuts?"
• I think next season's equivalent of "Meet Kevin Johnson" will feature the return of Jin. There's no way he's dead. I say a Dharma dolphin will save him from the Dharma shark and give him a ride to safety.
• Seriously? I know kids who pointed out that Sawyer had a shirt went he jumped from the copter and that it conveniently vanished when he staggered from the surf. You know, fer the ladies!
• It was then pointed out by my Signficant Other that Kate's cleavage was prominently displayed throughout the finale. "Not the same," said I. "Her shirt's not comin' off."
• I liked how the camera showed Hurley when they realized they needed to ditch a few hundred pounds.
• I wonder if Michael thought he was impervious to C-4 explosions? 'Cuz why even stay behind at that point?
• Juliet and Sawyer will hook up with the help of Dharma rum. And why does drunk Juliet look exactly like sober Juliet?
• I cried like a woman when Des and Penny were reunited. Oh, wait. That wasn't me.
  
• I didn't expect to see the Oceanic Six actually leaving the island until the end of the series. Was anyone else surprised? Does this mean the next season picks up immediately after the island reappears elsewhere or will we jump ahead to Jack's efforts to "get the band back together"?
  
• That being said, I totally called Ben's exit from the island for good. (That makes me 1 for 50, but still...)

* It didn't help that the Chicago Theatre is directly across the street from the local ABC affiliate and the finale was showing on a big screen LCD in the studio's front window.

Canadian Kids, Cabs and a Clooney Clone

I highly recommend checking out The Kids in the Hall's tour "Live As We'll Ever Be."

My Significant Other and I journeyed to the Windy City to meet up with best pal and (occasional) blogger Dean Xene on Thursday. We agreed the aging Kids didn't disappoint.


Their sketches included why the other four needed to rape Kevin, hateful babies, gut spigots, Buddy Cole on Jesus, last-call-defying time machines, Jehovah's Witnesses actually being let into a house, a three-quarters-completed song, a drunken superhero, phone sex with a fowl, a retrospective on how we danced in grades 8 through 12, and why each of the Kids deserved to have their heads crushed. (To Dave Foley: "Two words: poker show.")

They haven't lost their edge. It made me wish for a new TV series. Again.

After the show, Dean brought us to a favorite watering hole on State Street. Along the way, we were approached by a gentleman requesting cash. He fixated on my buddy, walking with him for an uncomfortable 50 feet and trying flattery to loosen his purse strings. "Say, man, anyone ever tell you you look like George Clooney?"

Which is preposterous. Anyone who has ever met Dean will tell you he's the spitting image of Zach Braff. Here's photographic evidence taken outside the bar.


We hoisted a few, caught up on old times, and went our separate ways. Good ol' Braffy.

In the cab ride back to our car, I noticed some hidden-taxicab-service-fee chicanery. As we rolled to a stop, the fare meter mysteriously jumped from $4.65 to $5.85. I was about to call the dude on it, but I remembered something Xene mentioned earlier. These gas prices are hitting hard.

Although, this being Chicago, I'm betting that extra fee wouldn't go away even if gas dropped to $1 a barrel tomorrow.

Calling the Karma Police

I just started a fifth blog, because four wasn't enough.

The thing is, I used to combine all aspects of my life under one catch-all about pop culture, family life, work life, current events, etc.

Of course, those who know me personally know how that turned out.

Oh, I learned my lesson. Sure, you think it's OK to use your real name on the Interweb, because, hey, this is America and we have freedom of speech and I can say damn well what I want on my personal time without repercussions...but I was ignoring one important thing.

Karma.

Please check out my new blog Calling the Karma Police. It's a collection of links and stories about how we're all subject to checks and balances on a cosmic scale.

I'm inviting contributors, which means you're more than welcome to submit an interesting story about your own run-ins with the big K. Just shoot me an email and join the team. No fraternity-level hazing or snipe-hunting gags, I promise.

Gotta go. Have to start planning my sixth blog.

Why Indiana Jones Is Like Current John Byrne Art

I will punch you in the throat if you're telling your friends that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is even half as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark. You and me, we're blood enemies at that point. I slap your cheek with my gauntlet and spit on your shoe.

That being said, it's not a "terrible" movie, as one guy I know insisted over and over during conversation. I didn't walk into the theatre expecting a friggin' Mamet piece.

I was fine with the opening warehouse sequence, I laughed at Spielberg's tongue-in-cheek method of introducing Indy to the "Cold" War, I was only slightly distracted when "Janitor" from Scrubs appeared and gave Jones the third degree, and I thought the ending was entirely apropos for late-'50s-era genre movies.

What was missing was the magic.

I'm not talking a lack of CG or extended action sequences. This had those in abundance. No, I'm talking about the magic found in the details.

27 years ago when Raiders took the box office by storm, my favorite artist was a guy named John Byrne. He was the talent behind several seminal runs in comic titles like Uncanny X-Men, Superman, and Fantastic Four. He was awesome because of the attention to detail he lavished upon every panel. As the years went by, Byrne took on more and more projects and his lack of passion soon became clear on the page. He chalked it up to an "evolving" art style.


The left panel shows Byrne at his peak, circa 1982. Click on the image and compare it to the panel on the right from '99 (which I believe was the last time he drew the FF for Marvel).

This is my roundabout way of telling you that Spielberg and Lucas have drawn the latest Indiana Jones adventure with much broader strokes than they once did, and the result is a pale imitation of the globe-trotting archaeologist I came to know and love.

My favorite moments in Raiders were the little ones. Remember when the rolling boulder came down the incline and Harrison Ford had that look in his eyes that said, "Jeez!" Or when the bald, bare-knuckled Nazi hit Indy so hard his legs wobbled? What about when Belloq was monologuing like a good villain should and that fucking bug crawled into his mouth while he talked--and he didn't notice?!

Magic moments like those are entirely lacking in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And lingering on a portrait of Sean Connery doesn't count in my book.

I expect shabby work like that from George Lucas, but not Spielberg.*

Now if you'll excuse me, I just dug out a pile of FF comics from the '80s and they're calling my name.

* I can think of three moments in War of the Worlds alone that qualify as proof that Spielberg still knows his shit: the thrown-sammich-on-the-window scene, the swooping tracking shot in and out of the family's car as it races down the highway, and the lingering shot on the basement door when Cruise confronts Tim Robbins.

Blockheaded Speculation on Lost 4.12

The first part of "There's No Place Like Home" has the urgency of Michael gunning for a Dumpster with a note pinned to his shirt.

This season's over after two more hours. I'm both dreading and anticipating the moments before the "Lost" title card slams onto the screen for the last time in 2008. What will the final shot reveal? The freighter exploding? The island sinking into a swirling vortex and appearing on the other side of the world off the coast of Saudi Arabia?* Claire in Jedi robes materializing next to Charlie, Boone, and Shannon? (Face it, she's dead, Jim.)

I go into the finale with no baggage. I've been pleased with the pace of this season. Cuse & Lindelof have continued to inspire me as a writer with their storytelling techniques.

This week I'm only speculating about one scene I'm expecting in 2010.

• Hurley's mom will continue her trend of "not getting it" in a flash-forward when she wakes him and says, "Hugo [pronounced hoo•go], it's 4/8 and I've brought you 15 or 16 donuts to celebrate the 2,342nd day of your safe return from the island."

I'd love to see him leap out of bed, knock the donuts from her hands, and bust a Hurley-shaped hole in the bedroom wall as he runs into the sunset. End of series.


* What's the deal with the skyline reflected in the water in the promos? Shouldn't that be explained? What city is that?

Waitin' On More Mose Till September

I enjoyed the season finale of The Office, especially because of the surprise appearance of Dwight's cousin Mose. To me, a walk-on by the suspendered Schrute is like the sun poking out of the clouds after a refreshing rain. I just squint and smile.

Even better, over on his live blog, the guy who plays Toby mentions something in the works called "Mose's New Bicycle."

Please let it be an entire Mose-centric episode. It'll be worth the wait.

I Can't Cancel...the Subscription Was Only $25

77 pages.

The current issue of Entertainment Weakly devoted 77 fucking pages to Sex in the City.*

Didn't that show go away twelve years ago? Does anyone still care about Sarah Jessica Parker and her coven of horny, aging harpies?**

There wasn't enough regular content for even one bathroom reading session. Now I have to stay informed on actual world events and settle for Newsweek.

* That's right, I used the F word today. That's how pissed I am.
** Or HAHs, as I shall refer to them henceforth.

A Very Special (Lame) Episode

It occurred to me that I've reached a minor blogging milestone. I created Rider's Block exactly six months ago.

Before I hit the Publish button for the first time, I retro-dated the first post (by about 48 hours) to coincide with a significant moment in my life, which also marked the exact moment the previous version of this blog died. A few of you know what I'm talking about.*

I'm not going to get all serious and preachy about personal stuff--at least, not yet (feel free to skip my life lessons at the end if you like your Rider carefree and aloof)--but suffice it to say I'm glad I had a blog (or two) to help me through the mile of crap I had to crawl through at the time. I've come through wiser and relatively intact.

I promise Gordon Jump won't make me take off my shirt in this very special episode. Instead, for old and new readers, here are a few "highlights" from the past half year.

• This post has attracted literally thousands of Google searches for Beowulf--yet to this day it hasn't earned a single comment from lurkers.
  
• I began a series of posts featuring my solidarity beard for the Writers Guild of America strike, and no one seems to know exactly when I stopped using my real face.
  
• Searches for quotes from the movie Hard Candy continue to drive Ellen Page fans to the Block.
  
• When Marvel Comics retconned the marriage of Spidey and MJ, my Photoshopped classified ad brought in hundreds of hits from geeks seeking a fictional, newly single, redhead.
  
• I told the true story of a phone call I received from Morgan Spurlock's production company asking me to participate in the TV show 30 Days.
  
• I was particularly proud of my "Cloverfield Monster Revealed" post and accompanying image. I contributed in a tiny way to the viral marketing, making me part of the problem.
  
• My most controversial post centered around my review of Roger Ebert's review of Cloverfield, and I had a joygasm when an anonymous commenter from Edmonton defended Mr. Ebert and said my opinions don't matter. The best part? I provoked an actual reaction from a Canadian.
  
• I mounted a soapbox and voiced my official boycott, after 33 years, of The Amazing Spider-Man.
• I introduced a blog mascot (who has run away from home twice now). You'll see more of Boxter soon.
  

Now for the serious part. In my opinion--and cranky Canadians can tune this out--there are two rules a blogger should live by: Keep your real name to yourself, and don't tell coworkers you blog. Plausible deniability is crucial in this hobby. Believe me.

Here's to six more months.

* What most of you don't know is I've been on Blogger, in various incarnations, for almost six years.

How Is the IHoB Like a Comic Book Convention?

Because you can ask McGone to sketch fictional characters and he'll do it, just like the starving dudes wielding 2H pencils and Sharpies in artists' alley. He won't charge 20 bucks, either.*

This is McGone's interpretation of my blockheaded observation that possibly-dead Claire and Christian came off as evil Siths in last week's Lost. (Personally, I think the Emperor would have been even more evil with a sweaty glass of scotch in hand.)

One more question: How is McGone not like a comic convention? He owns fewer crazy outfits, he's felt the touch of a real woman, and he has above average hygiene.**

* You just have to buy the first and last rounds at the next meet-n-greet.
** Well, he has a girlfriend and he smells good, anyway. Two out of three...

14 Joys and a Will to Be Merry*

I'm dancing around the Block like fool today. I finally found a song that Apple hadn't added to the iTunes Store since its launch in 2003: "Sentimental Lady" by former Fleetwood Mac member Bob Welch.

Sure, iTunes offered knockoff remakes by Welch, which elicited such customer reviews as "DO NOT BUY!!! These are not the original tracks, this is CRAP!" and "I really love Bob Welch, but seriously, the remake of 'Sentimental Lady' really blows."

The reviews were so hostile that Welch himself apparently posted a long retort, claiming, "The reason I did these re-records is because the ORIGINAL versions are inferior." He explains that the old music was "highly compressed" and filtered poorly, and that the new stuff has "full bandwidth dynamic range" and was "meticulously" recorded. Also his voice "finally sounds the way [he] always wanted it to."

It was all very George Lucas circa 1997.

Two things Bob Welch needs to know: 1) "Sentimental Lady," the original version, was an awesome song from my childhood I've wanted on my iPod for a long time. I have patiently checked on its iTunes status several times a year for five years. My current play count an hour after download is already at three.

And 2) Bob Welch looks like Jame Gumb.

* Maybe the lyric should be "a will to be Mary"?

Maybe Speed Should Have Consulted the Oracle

Remember when you were eight and it was nice outside and you ran to the corner store to buy six dollars' worth of lemonade mix and you set up a stand in the driveway and waited all day for customers to drive through your cul-de-sac and finally your mom felt sorry for you and gave you a buck and winced as she drank the warm swill?

Remember that?

That's how the Wachowski brothers feel today about Speed Racer's box office numbers. What is that? A 16% return on their budget?

I hope they had fun making it. At least it got them out of the house.

Happy Momma's Day from Rider

Be thankful you've got a better mom than Owen's.

Blockheaded Observations on Lost 4.11

I have a shameful confession this week. I fell asleep during "Cabin Fever."

I have no excuse. If I were employed and had a tiring week with no sleep, that would be one thing. But I'm an unshaven slug who ambles around the house in a tattered bathrobe and South Park lounge pants. There's no reason for nodding off during what sounded like an excellent episode.

I remember four things.

• Keamy had an iPod strapped to his bicep, and the mere sight of it caused Captain Gault his life.
  
• Christian and Claire were acting like a Sith Lord and his dark apprentice.
• Hurley shared a tender chocolate moment with Ben.
• Locke said he had to "move the island."
  

Which begs the question: How does one man move a land mass surrounded by water?

Answer: Lift with your legs and follow Ross Geller's advice.*

* A joke I'm stealing from my Significant Other, who managed to stay awake.

Blockheaded Observation on Lost 4.10

Admittedly, I'm tardy with my weekly post on my favorite show. This is clearly a weak attempt to put something out there before tonight's episode airs. Also, I'm breaking the speculation theme I established less than two weeks ago.

But I've gotta say: the writers are getting too cute with their red herrings.

Right before Jack saw his dad in the hospital lobby--which some fans attribute to a corporeal form assumed by the smoke monster--he hears a smoke detector going off.

You're pushing it, guys.

Cool Exec With a Heart of Steel

Boxter, the official mascot of Rider's Block, was very excited to hear that Iron Man made over $100 million on opening weekend. He's been running around in his little helmet since Friday.*

I was excited to see one of the best superhero adaptations ever committed to film. This is what happens when a comic book publisher has complete financial and creative control over their own properties. DC and Warner Brothers can go suck it with their deadbeat dad Superman who never throws a punch. Feh!

I compare Marvel Studios to the Cylons: they have a plan. Did anyone else sit through the credits and get chills with the promise of that epilogue? And when I heard they've got a Robert Downey Jr. cameo in the upcoming Incredible Hulk...hoo boy, it is on.

I browsed through Rotten Tomatoes for critical reaction to past Marvel franchises, and it's pretty much on track with my tastes. Up until now, I considered Spider-Man 2 to be the best superhero movie. It currently ranks at 93% with 228 reviews. Compare that with Iron Man at 94% with 160-plus reviews.

I stand by my statement that Marvel needs to tap a solid composer for soundtrack duties, but I ended up buying Iron Man's "Merchant of Death" on iTunes anyway. Boxter likes it too.**

* Which meant he had to learn to eat pet food through a straw...no mean feat for a canine.
** I think...hard to tell through the faceplate.

Blockheaded Speculation on Lost 4.9

Even though "The Shape of Things to Come" blew many of the previous episode's theories out of the water, I appreciate Cuse & Lindelof's collective genius all the more.

You know what else I appreciate? The fact that folks who might normally look down their noses at the sort of plots easily embraced by comic book fans are now deeply invested in this show and have been duped into world-class geekitude. They think comics are "gay" because major characters have strange powers, get punched ad infinitum without serious injury, and fight powerful villains.

Meanwhile walking scar tissue Benjamin Linus is summoning smoke monsters and teleporting to Tunisia so he can face off against a British Lex Luthor...in an episode penned by a pair of comic book writers.

I loves me the irony as much as the blockheaded speculation. Try these on for size:

• Alex is not dead. You'll buy this if you think Ben is always two steps ahead of everyone else. For almost four seasons this master tactician has had a plan. Are we to believe that while he somehow knew the island could keep Michael alive, when his adopted daughter's life was at stake and the island might not protect her--he wouldn't release Smokey before her execution? I say he knew she would recover. Like how Locke was "lucky" when the bullet passed through his body where his kidney used to be--Ben knew from where Keamy was pointing his gun that that part of her brain contained memories of Karl and her early '90s fashion sense, and good riddance to both. But what about the ending with Widmore where Ben talks about taking out Penny? Well, if Alex is actually dead...
  
• Ben will leave the island by the season finale. When we see Ben waking up in the desert, that's hours after Alex's supposed death. He dons a Dharka and takes his grief with him into the future, pissed about the "changing of the rules." (Or it could be he knows Alex is fine but uses her shooting as an excuse to escalate his war with Widmore.)*
• Widmore is immortal and was on the Black Rock. Actually, this is a theory of McGone's which I lifted to pad this post. Aside from being a graphic designer, mixologist, and TV drama theorist, he is also a freelance illustrator of comic books. See? I brought this post full circle.
  

* Backpedal much, Rider?