1.10.2013

"It's Science." - Ron Burgundy

Note: Superior Spider-Man #1 spoiler below

Peter Parker is a nerd with an aptitude for science. He gained his powers because of a scientific experiment gone awry. He invented his web-shooters, which are a marvel of engineering and chemistry. A majority of the villains in his rogues gallery also received their powers due to laboratory accidents. Spider-Man typically defeated them by employing scientific methods. Spidey's best friend got his powers while rocketing through space with the smartest man on the planet.

Five years ago, a DEMON used MAGIC to erase Peter's marriage.

Today, Peter haunts his greatest foe as a GHOST.

What the hell is going on at Marvel Comics?

9.05.2012

Justice League Movie Teaser

It's been three years, but I've returned to Blogger for a quick post.

I know what you're saying: "We were doing fine without you, dick." And that's all well and good. I'm just here to pop in and leave because there's a better party uptown I'm heading to, anyway.

But first, please indulge me.

I was seeing THE DARK KNIGHT RISES for the second time, and during the MAN OF STEEL trailer I found myself wondering exactly what would happen after the credits of that movie had rolled. We know DC is developing a JUSTICE LEAGUE movie, and it's likely it will already be filming before the Superman reboot is released. With all the characters cast and shooting underway, they almost have to address a larger mythology.

What follows is my script for the teaser I'd love to see at the end of MAN OF STEEL. Aside from one ANCHORMAN reference in the dialogue, I'm being serious here. I approached this as if Chris Nolan himself asked me to write 90 seconds of comic book movie awesomeness.

*grabs a Tostito, double dips in the salsa, leaves*

FADE IN:

EXT. ROOF OF THE DAILY PLANET - NIGHT

SUPERMAN swoops into frame and lands on the roof. He strides past the immense, rotating Daily Planet sign, heading toward a roof stairwell.

He reaches up to unfasten his cape but stops, cocking his head. He hears something behind him. He speaks without turning.

SUPERMAN
Where I come from, the Welcome Wagon doesn't sneak up on new neighbors. And they usually bring apple pie.

A FEMALE FIGURE emerges from the shadows beneath the sign. We catch quick glimpses of her costume and weapons before we see her face: a flowing Amazonian cape, gleaming silver bracelets, a sword in a scabbard hanging off one hip and a golden lasso on the other. Her face is illuminated by the full moon and the lights of Metropolis.

She approaches him with regal confidence, extending a hand.

WONDER WOMAN
Forgive me, Superman. My name is Diana.

Their hands clasp. For a moment, we see a tightening of muscles in each of their arms. Their smiling faces betray nothing of this physical exertion as they size each other up. They release their grips.

WONDER WOMAN
I didn't mean to startle you. I assumed you had received my message.

SUPERMAN
Message? No, I'm sorry, I didn't get it. I've been rather...busy.

In a lightning blur of red and yellow originating from behind the globe, a MALE FIGURE practically materializes behind Wonder Woman. Her hair is buffeted by the wind.

FLASH
Yeah, the whole world caught your showdown in Smallville. Nicely played.

TWO MORE MALES FIGURES step forward. The first stands apart from the others, assuming a majestic stance. He is a blond man, wielding a golden trident.

The other wears a ring on his right middle finger. It pulses with emerald energy. We catch a green glint from a mask around the man's eyes.

AQUAMAN
You fought with honor and have proven yourself worthy, Superman.

GREEN LANTERN
What Brick Tamland here means to say is, "Welcome to the big league."

SUPERMAN
"League"?

A FINAL FIGURE appears--literally. A green-skinned, bald man with red eyes slowly fades into sight next to Wonder Woman.

He and Superman exchange looks, each of them understanding the other is not from Earth.

Close on Wonder Woman.

WONDER WOMAN
I feel the need to apologize once more, Superman. We were attending to...dire matters or we would have offered our assistance earlier.

Superman's blue eyes scan the faces of the individuals arced around him.

Then his head cocks as it did before. He hears something else.

SUPERMAN
What kind of "dire matters" require the attention of all six of you?

Wonder Woman's eyes narrow, almost defensively.

WONDER WOMAN
There are some threats which are too--
(pause)
There are five of us.

Superman turns.

A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE is crouched above the roof stairwell. He is wearing a long, billowing black cape and a cowl with pointed ears. He speaks with a growl.

BATMAN
I'm not with them. And I certainly didn't bring pie.

FADE OUT


Aquaman © DC Comics, all rights reserved

Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter © Rider's Block Productions, Inc. 

Warner Bros. Legal Department © Calm Down It's Satire, Ltd.

6.18.2009

Rider and Obama Vs. China

What would it take to coax your ol' pal Rider out of blogging retirement? How about the sweet promise of a jaunty drive down to the local currency exchange where he'll convert billions and billions of yuan into a cool one hundred U.S. dollars?

Imagine how my eyes lit up tonight upon reading how a cell phone manufacturer ripped off a name I invented in a Photoshopped image of my very own smartphone over a year ago...then mentioned it again the next day in this post...then again a day later.

Seeing as how I've had my fair share of visitors to the Block from China--and since "Haff-Comm" is a Chinese company, I think I have a damn good shot at squeezing some crazy cash out of these copycats.

Now all I need for my lawsuit is to team up with someone with slightly more credibility than a lowly blogger. Someone who may have also been wronged in the ad. Perhaps a public figure whose image was appropriated without permission to hawk knockoff electronics.

Why, if I made enough money to actually retire, I'd have so much time on my hands I'd start blogging again.

Speaking of swipes, Rider asks that you not get him started on the similarity of this photo from his January 19, 2008 post, and the concept behind this T-shirt.

5.15.2009

I Always Knew If I Went on Facebook...

...that I'd blog less.

But don't give up on me, yet. I'll be back someday soon.

3.31.2009

ShamOww!

Click here to read the Rider's Block Twitter page regarding Vince Shlomi's altercation with an alleged call girl.