Material for McGone Tell-All Grows

Oh, I've got McGone right where I want him.

From how he really feels about his blog partner Fernando, to how he was once so infuriated by a bobble-headed boss* he called his coworkers "fucktards" to their faces, I've got almost everything I need to start work on his unauthorized biography.

Check out the sheer number of emails we've exchanged over the years.


All I need is an interview with The Girl and I've got the makings of a best-seller.

* Actual nickname: The Baroness Magpie von Retardenhauer. A woman who instilled such venom in McGone (and others) that he had to restrain the urge to "rip off her arms just so [he] would have something to beat her into a coma with."

The Chinese Love Three-Ways

Since its release on DVD a few months back, Google searches for "Beowulf" have been the number one reason surfers have visited Rider's Block. Specifically this post. I'd venture a guess and say about 1,000 hits have come from that post alone.

Needless to say, I was thrilled to see a new search phrase finally bump the oft-nude CG character out of the top spot, if only temporarily.


From Guadalajara to Honolulu to Shanghai, folks want to know about "three-ways." I'm the number two search at this point, though there's probably no chance of overtaking Urban Dictionary's definition of the phrase.

My step has additional spring to it this morning. Mom would be proud.

Doesn't Anyone Reference Kolchak Anymore?

"What's this?" you mutter. "An unprecedented three posts in one day? Rider must be mainlining Red Bull."

Nope. Just Chips Ahoy and skim milk.*

Tonight I felt the need to share a new game called "Can You Spot the Pattern?"

The following are three blurbs from three different ads for new upcoming titles from Digital Webbing. I found them in a single comic book. They have one thing in common.

Can you spot the pattern?


I know there's an X-Files movie being released soon, but aren't these pitches so ten years ago? They might as well say, "It's like Saving Private Ryan if Ryan wore a cape and saved other people," or, "It's like Armageddon if Affleck could deflect the asteroid with a single punch."

Ah, 1998. I'm feeling nostalgic for Something About Mary. Remember the semen in her hair? Good times.

* Besides, I prefer Full Throttle.

Free Advice for Marvel Studios

I'm reading the early reviews for Iron Man online, and while they've been overwhelmingly positive, I'm seeing one red flag in particular: the soundtrack.

Quoting Moriarty from Ain't It Cool: "I wish Hans Zimmer’s score wasn’t so cookie-cutter. We have yet to hear a truly great Marvel hero theme in any of their films."

I agree with that sentiment, but I offer a solution to the Marvel Powers That Be: give Michael Giacchino a call.

I downloaded "Roar," his Cloverfield theme, and it's the most perfect rampaging-giant-monster music you'll ever hear. It sounds like something from a Godzilla flick--only ten times better. And at a buck-ninety-eight for 12 minutes of music it's a bargain.

If you, the blog-reading Marvel Studio suit, don't get Giacchino to score your planned Captain America movie, DC will scoop him up for their Justice League flick and you'll look like tools.

Listen to the man's score for The Incredibles and tell me I'm wrong.

Addendum to Devil's Three-Way

Last night's How I Met Your Mother briefly mentioned the Bro Handbook and its rules regarding a "devil's three-way."*

Perhaps I'm referencing an older edition, but while Barney was 100% correct about the rule prohibiting eye contact between male participants, he left out two crucial addendum.

• Guys must not touch, except when motivated to high-five or knuckle bump.

• Any three-ways involving Stephen Baldwin are discouraged at all costs.

* Two guys.

Did Someone Stumble Across Grant Miller Media?*

Today's Onion Radio News is about bloggers. If you haven't been listening to the daily podcast in iTunes, check it out here.

Note: Not always SFW or kids.

* I'm sure Grant Miller is a nice guy in real life. Just making with the funny.

Blockheaded Speculation on Lost 4.8

It's been over a month since we saw the Benjamin Linus/Charles Widmore chess match in action, and it's been longer than that since I last posted about it.

Season 4 is halfway over--sort of confusing since eight episodes have aired with six to go. (Darn writers' strike.) So to celebrate the return of the show tomorrow, here's a refresher on what happened in "Meet Kevin Johnson."

I'm not asking silly questions anymore, by the way. I'll be speculatin' about serious issues right through to the finale.

• Benjamin Linus is actually Benjamin Franklin. With the conflict between Ben and Widmore, we're seeing a modern Revolutionary War between the U.S. and Great Britain. I haven't fleshed this one out fully, but I have two crackpot arguments to support this theory. 1) John Locke was a philosopher whose writings influenced our Founding Fathers when they penned the Declaration of Independence (as well as a dude named Rousseau!). And 2) the code that "Kevin" enters into the bomb on the freighter was 7-1-7-7-6.*
• Sayid is already working for Ben. So is Captain Gault. Er...I got nothin'. I just know I'm right.
• Michael is immortal. He can't kill himself by car crash or gunshot because "the island won't let him." That means if he tries to die of old age he'll live forever! And if he plays his cards right, he'll be celebrated as a deity. There's even a chance that's a huge four-toed statue of Michael on the island, what with time travel and all. He'll go back in time with Walt Jr., his polar bear constant, and rule over a mysterious island until the Dharma folks show up and erect a statue of his freakish foot. (This theory will hold water until we see Michael has all ten toes.)
• Alex will kill Ben in the series finale in 2010. Ben sent her birth mother and boyfriend to their deaths...she'll do what she has to. Then she'll have her eyes enlarged to manga-chick proportions and become the new Ben. (All leaders of Dharma must have bulging eyes. It's in their mission statement.)
  
• It's Vincent in the coffin. Again...nothin'.
  

* I don't read the Lost boards, so if no one has floated this analogy yet, please let me know how much of a genius I am.

Geekgasm Sunday

Yesterday I watched the original Wolf Man, then I went to 7-Eleven and poured a blue raspberry Slurpee in an Iron Man head with an Iron Man straw, and I went home and watched the movie adaptation of 30 Days of Night.


Did anyone have a better day than that? I seriously doubt it.

I Don't Know Any Blondes Named Johanna

I've got that "Johanna" ballad stuck in my head because of this hobby of mine.

I was capturing images from Sweeney Todd for some new Rider's Block banners, and I let the movie play while I cropped tiffs, added layers, patted myself on the back, etc.

Now, for all the good songs I heard on the soundtrack, I've got one of the weakest ones taking up grey matter and soiling my consciousness.

It's a waste because I've never known anyone named "Johanna"--much less "Joanna"--so I can't even play it off like I'm humming about a girl from my youth.*

Excuse me, I've got to purge this song from my cache. Gonna go listen to "Black Betty" by Ram Jam.

* Come to think of it, there was a Joanne I worked with at Blockbuster when I was 23, but she was a married mom and she looked like Madame.

Internet's Not Working

Another genius episode of South Park this week. What do you do when the entire Internet is down?

Trey Parker mixes in references to Dawn of the Dead, The Grapes of Wrath, Independence Day, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Ghostbusters.

My favorite line was when Randy decides to take his family "out Californee way" in search of Internet, and he's asked, "If you do find Internet, let us know, will ya?"

"How?" he replies soberly, "you won't have Internet."

Watch the full episode here.

Almost a Stones Fan

I hadn't been born yet when the Rolling Stones started their career. They'd already begun claiming their place in rock history before I came along. Even though I grew up listening to their hits--which were unavoidable during my childhood--I've never been a fan.

Now I'm wondering if I'm missing something. All 'cuz of Scorcese and iTunes.

I'm hearing great things about Shine a Light. After my 3D experience with U2's concert film, I feel like seeing more movies in that vein. What's the downside of Martin friggin' Scorcese shooting footage of the Stones playing some of their greatest hits? I don't necessarily want to get up in Mick's craggy face as he dances around like the old prick from Six Flags, but there is something to say about appreciating true showmanship up close.

Then there's the fact that when I realized I didn't have any Stones music on my iPod, I downloaded four of my favorites: *

1. "Gimme Shelter"
2. "Undercover (Of The Night)"
3. "Under My Thumb"
4. "Almost Hear You Sigh"

If you have credit in your iTunes account and you're looking for a recommendation, check out "Almost Hear You Sigh." I've listened to it over and over the last few days and I'd forgotten how much I loved that song back in 1989. Based on that single alone, I'm compelled to go back and explore some of their lesser known tracks.

Any recommendations that might help me appreciate them more? List them in the comments.

* None of my favorites are in Shine a Light's set list, unfortunately.

The Debut of Boxter

In the grand tradition of Batman & Robin, Scooby & Scrappy Doo, and McGone & Fernando, I'm introducing an annoying sidekick to Rider's Block.*

His name is Boxter. Don't let his cute face fool you. During the day he shivers and pisses and projectile vomits. At night he snores like a cave troll with sleep apnea. He is afraid of other dogs, sudden movements, and anyone who approaches with a smile and good intentions. His diarrhea would make Mike Rowe gag and pass out.

I will ship him UPS to anyone in the blogosphere who wants to take him on vacation.**

* A sure sign I've jumped the shark.
** Please take him off my hands. There's a fiver in it for you.

Robert Blake Creeps Out the Whole Block

What's on IFC this week?

Robert Blake as the Devil...or your senile grandmother. Just look at that expression.

I caught Lost Highway the other night and had trouble falling asleep. I have yet to watch it all the way through, although I've been a David Lynch fan since Eraserhead. Highway isn't up to the standards set by Blue Velvet or Twin Peaks, but it's oozing with Lynchian goodness.

I was curious why the Independent Film Channel was scheduling this movie now, but a quick search of Wikipedia reveals that we're coming up on the anniversary of Blake's arrest for the murder of his wife. He was acquitted, in case you forgot, so he's still out there looking somewhat like "Mystery Man."

"I'm in your house right now," indeed.

Linking Reality and Fiction: Emo Heston

What do the beatings of Mexican emos and Charlton Heston (R.I.P.) have in common?

Kids in the emo subculture are being targeted for their appearance and nonconformist lifestyle in much the same way Heston was persecuted by the robed mutants in The Omega Man.

Except Chuck used semi-automatic weapons to defend himself and left the mascara at home.

Los emos y el hombre Omega dicen: "Voy a sentir mejor después de escuchar My Chemical Romance"

How I Met Your Twin Brother

You either watch How I Met Your Mother or you don't. Either way, I'm not explaining this image.

WTF Happened Yesterday?

As Eddie Murphy once said, "I was just standing there, minding my own business..."

All I know is, it was the first day of a new month, and some punk named Jim managed to take over my Blogger address.

McGone will comment on any blog at this address, so he took a shot at me and then welcomed the young man. Some friend.

My significant other texted me the following, "What the hell? I dont get what uve done with ur blog."

And Valerie speculated I'd written some "trippy fiction."

All I can tell you is it's April 2 and everything is back to normal on the Block.