Banned from Panera

As if I'm not having a hard enough time this month, I see that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer--universally acknowledged tool-- have now jetted off to Mexico together.

What's with Jen? How can one woman be so wildly inconsistent in her dating patterns? She seemed to be on track with Brad--but remember the guy from Counting Crows? That guy looked like a pale, Rastafarian billy goat, and though his stock has dropped to the point where they probably play summer block parties, he's still a better catch than John freakin' Mayer! Then last week they hit the town with Courteney Cox and her simpleton husband, which sounds like the pilot episode of Dinner for Five if E! produced it.

I've sunk to celebrity gossip. I think I'm going insane.

This is Day 12 of a quest that ended before it really began. Things have gotten worse for your ol' pal Rider.

I was in the Panera that has become my watering hole/feeding ground for the last six days or so, but today things felt...different.

"Marcee," the cashier I've come to smile at on my way to the lemon wedge bucket and fountain drinks, took one look at the empty cup in my hand and hurriedly ducked back into the kitchen.

My spider sense went off. I turned and headed for the door, but then spotted a sheet of paper next to her register. It had my picture on it.

Now I'm here in an Apple Store in the middle of nowhere, scanning in this memo for your perusal, and feeling my little world crumbling even more.

First Aniston dating Mayer, now this. What next?