Greetings and salutations. My nom de plum is Boxter.* I am your guest blogger this evening. Your regular host is incapacitated for reasons I shall endeavour to explain (and you may fail to grasp, due to this tale's queer nature).The man you know as "Rider" is a complicated individual; stout of heart with a genius-level IQ, while child-like in many ways. I have personally observed him tending his Japanese rock garden for hours--yet I have also seen him become wildly frustrated while lacing his footwear. He is a raving loon, destined to live out the latter half of his years in a sad institution with padded walls and medications distributed in paper cups.
However, I owe him my life (a story for another day) and therefore call him friend. As compensation for the food and shelter he provides, I am tasked with this blog's many Photoshop needs while Rider focuses on the "writing." I shall employ my design skills to relate the events transpiring earlier this week.
Whether or not the pig known as Fernando was actually kidnapped is immaterial. What is of significance is that Rider embarked on a quest and the reason for that quest ended before it could be resolved......Or was it? I posit the notion that the "Adventures of Rider on the Road" was actually a grand scheme subconsciously implemented by Rider himself to achieve mental health.
Few readers know that Rider has suffered from dissociative identity disorder since last year--a condition which led to the creation of multiple weblogs under a variety of different names. Fellow blogger McGone has even labeled him the "Moon Knight of the blogosphere."
Referencing the Marvel Comics hero was apropos: Marc Spector, a Chicagoan standing six-two, took on not only the identity of the costumed Moon Knight, but also those of Jake Lockley and Steven Grant. Living multiple lives threatened his mental stability and eventually caused a breakdown.As I was living with a blind French-Vietnamese whore in a London crackhouse last year, the traumatic events which led to my friend's personality fragmentation are a mystery to me. The facts suggest that beginning November 16, 2007, at 9:00 AM, a disturbed man created at least three distinct blogs that focused on key aspects of his life: family, entertainment, and work.
Each blog was attributed to a different person. Eric Rider is one and Hal Haroldson is another.**
Does that revelation shock you? Imagine living with it. I discovered his shameful secret this past April when the mild-mannered family man I had known by one name popped in a horror DVD, unfastened his pants, and introduced himself as "Rider." He then poured cheap scotch into a Spider-Man coffee mug, and announced my new name was "Boxter." We watched zombie movies until dawn with frequent pauses to review exploding skulls in slow motion. His cackles were frightful and haunt my dreams still.
Which brings my story to a resolution of sorts. For months, neither Rider nor Hal acknowledged one another's existence. The walls started to crumble when Hal began posting comments on another blog about Rider...and Rider would respond. A conflict built and marched toward a confrontation. The date was unknown, but the place was hinted at in a post about a cryptic message left on Rider's cell phone: "oh hi oh." The Moon Knight connection was mentioned, as well as talk of welcoming back and going to "hell" (Hal).
Rider "caught up" to Hal in Sandusky, Ohio. It was there that he discovered his nemesis cavorting with Fernando...and that his foe was wearing his missing Blogger hoodie.
The next moments were disturbing to both myself and Hal's family, as this deranged man would alternately yell things at an empty chair, then put on the hoodie, sit in the same chair, and shout back to no one looming above him. I took pictures for the hearing.
Hal's family retreated to the indoor water park in tears. Fernando dove into the $20 margarita and drank non-stop until he passed out on a floating lime wedge. Bystanders thought they were witness to performance art.
The spectacle ended abruptly when Rider reached for Hal's chest, seemingly intent on grabbing the hoodie. The moment his hand "touched" the Blogger logo, Rider screamed one word--"Fusion!"--and collapsed in a heap.Several folks in the crowd applauded. One threw a quarter. A little girl asked her father the meaning of fusion. "I dunno," he said, scratching his head. "Something having to do with fueling a time machine."
Here's what fusion means to Rider: acceptance of his mental disorder. He hasn't merged his disparate personalities into one whole person...yet. But upon returning to "the Block," an unusually quiet Rider sat down at his Mac and logged in to his Dashboard and added a link to his blogroll. He also tweaked the blog listings under his profile. He will ignore you if you call him Hal, though.***
"Little steps, Sparks" as David Morse said in Contact.
I must now bid you farewell, dear reader/lurker. Either Rider or Hal is screaming in the other room about how "John Mayer continues to be a tool," and "why does People.com continue to report his every move?"
At least they can both agree on something.
Best wishes,
Boxter
7.26.08
* My Christian name is actually Belvedere St. John-Smythe III, which was dismissed by Rider/Hal as "fruity" within seconds of my adoption. My actual face looks like this.
** The third, he of the work blog, must remain a mystery to non-invitees...which perhaps suggests a clue as to the nature of the trauma.
*** But he does refer to his "Significant Other" as his wife now.
