Texted Movie Reviews: Wanted

Texted Movie Reviews™ is a regular feature wherein Rider posts SMS messages he received on his BlockBerry from friends or family members about current movies.

The following is Jeremy W.'s review of Wanted.

Message #1:

Wanted was awesome. No nudity.

Message #2:

Movie was awesome! GREAT kills

Click this link to read a translation of Angelina Jolie's tattoo

Day 35 on the road - Jebus help me. After leaving Target two days ago, now we're staying in an Arby's.


Chas, the 16-year-old store manager, lets us sleep in a booth because "the corporate douches haven't promoted me to district after five goddamn months. Besides, what are they gonna do--fire me? Feel free to use the laptop, even for porn. I've got shit bookmarked."

His assistant manager Gladys, a 43-year-old mother of six, brings us leftover Bacon Beef 'n Cheddars just before she leaves for the night. I have managed to keep them down, but just barely.

This morning the Mordor County Health Inspector walked in as I was bathing Boxter in the prep area sink. He watched quietly, then informed me that I "missed a spot." He gave the restaurant a pass in exchange for one of my Chuck Taylors. When I handed it over, he explained that he met Ellen Page at a Katy Perry concert and she autographed his right shoe. He keeps it on a shelf at home and needed a replacement.

Chas was pissed at me, though. "You shouln'ta done that, bro! Let 'im close us down! I needed a vacation!"

I replied that it could have turned into a permanent vacation.

"Dude-man, haven't you been listening? Nobody gets fired from Arby's! Joe-Ray the maintenance guy strangled the last store manager, and I just gave him a fi'ty-cent raise!"

I don't think I'll be staying here much longer.

Gotta go. Gladys just told me Boxter pooped in the walk-in.

Banned from Panera

As if I'm not having a hard enough time this month, I see that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer--universally acknowledged tool-- have now jetted off to Mexico together.

What's with Jen? How can one woman be so wildly inconsistent in her dating patterns? She seemed to be on track with Brad--but remember the guy from Counting Crows? That guy looked like a pale, Rastafarian billy goat, and though his stock has dropped to the point where they probably play summer block parties, he's still a better catch than John freakin' Mayer! Then last week they hit the town with Courteney Cox and her simpleton husband, which sounds like the pilot episode of Dinner for Five if E! produced it.

I've sunk to celebrity gossip. I think I'm going insane.

This is Day 12 of a quest that ended before it really began. Things have gotten worse for your ol' pal Rider.

I was in the Panera that has become my watering hole/feeding ground for the last six days or so, but today things felt...different.

"Marcee," the cashier I've come to smile at on my way to the lemon wedge bucket and fountain drinks, took one look at the empty cup in my hand and hurriedly ducked back into the kitchen.

My spider sense went off. I turned and headed for the door, but then spotted a sheet of paper next to her register. It had my picture on it.

Now I'm here in an Apple Store in the middle of nowhere, scanning in this memo for your perusal, and feeling my little world crumbling even more.

First Aniston dating Mayer, now this. What next?

Texted Movie Reviews: Zohan

Texted Movie Reviews™ is a new feature wherein Rider posts unedited SMS messages he received on his BlockBerry from friends or family members about current movies.

The following is Eriq E.'s review of You Don't Mess with the Zohan.

Message #1:

Ok so I know you prob already know this but I saw zohan last night and it has got to be by far the worst movie of the year so far-garbage

Message #2:

One of the worst movies I have ever seen in a theater-can't wait for hulk tho-what u been up to

Day 5 of BaconQuest - Boxter and I stopped in at an Apple Store to whip up this map to show our cross-country trek toward Portland*, measured in the number of Targets and Paneras we ate free lemons in and/or sink-bathed in.


* Also to check out Engadget's live coverage of the new iPhone announcement.