Smacky

I want to write and direct a feature-length motion picture called Smacky: Enemy of the Cool. And it's all thanks to Lance Briggs of the Chicago Bears.

I was watching the local morning news today--'cuz I need something to do while eating my Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts and Miller Lite--when this pro football jerkoff sat down for an interview wearing big-ass sunglasses which he never removed.

I thought, Who does this guy think he is, P. Diddy?

My next thought was an odd one: I wish an angry midget would appear out of thin air and smack those goddamn glasses off his smug face.

That's the moment Smacky was born.

In the treatment I'm writing, Smacky is an impish demon, dressed in lederhosen, who answers the summons of anyone who chants the following:

Please, Smacky, slap this bitch
Please, Smacky, slap this bitch
Please, Smacky, slap this bitch

Smacky teleports in and viciously assaults anyone who acts cooler than they really are. He stands a mere three feet tall, but his hands are the size of those foam fingers you find at sporting events. He smacks his victims so hard they're nearly decapitated.

I don't have all the details worked out yet, but a few key images will be featured in the trailer, which I'll shoot before the movie actually goes into production.

• While in concert, John Mayer will shriek like a schoolgirl as he scoots backwards across the stage from an unseen assailant; in the audience, Jennifer Aniston will be smiling (having summoned Smacky herself!)
• In the process of saying, "You're fired," Donald Trump will be slapped by an unseen force so hard and so fast, that for a brief moment his face will actually look handsome (the colors will invert during a freeze frame of that moment, then fade to black)
  
• At the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin's glasses will shoot through the torso of John McCain and embed themselves into a podium (with the standard foley sound of a tossed knife vibrating in wood)

I take PayPal if you'd like to invest in my film. I'll need to get Warwick Davis in the Smacky role, and he commands a huge salary. $150 million should cover it.

Note: For more slapping goodness, check out the first 30 seconds or so of this video from an Indian game show. Turn the sound down if you're at work, though, because five seconds into it, the hostess (I guess?) tells a contestant to eff off, in English, and that's when the fun begins. She slaps him, he slaps her back even harder, and it's only then he even realizes what's happening. As the stagehands kick the shit out of the guy, it's funny to hear him crying over and over, "How can she slap? How can she slap?" Because he's miked, you can hear him sobbing like a tired infant under his assailants' fists.

It's gold, Jerry, gold!