Asian Table-Puller

I wasn't tackled or forced into an interrogation room when I made my triumphant return into the local Panera this morning.

After months of exile, I decided it was high time I go back, catch up on entertainment news on my BlockBerry, and slam a cup of Bright and Balanced. If that's a crime, I offer my surrender. Just let me finish my pecan braid before letting Laurence Fishburne work me over.

But...nothing happened. No strange looks from the cashier, no glances over the shoulder for the shift manager with flour in her hair, nada. My crimes during the summer hiatus seem to have been swept under the rug. This must be how Snake Plissken felt after saving President Donald Pleasance from the Duke (who we all know is "A-number-1").

My relief was replaced by irritation, though, when another customer stole the table that was in front of my easy chair.

I was sitting there, minding my own business, right? (Eddie Murphy, 1982), when this chick sits in the chair across from me.

Fine, I think. You do that. I got the better chair, anyway. Enjoy the sun in your face, sweetheart. Shoulda thought of that before making such a poor decision. Meet my gaze and witness the happy dance behind my eyes! La la la, hm hm hm, I win again!

But then...

She leaned forward and, in slow motion, pulled the coffee table closer to her.

What. The. Holy. Hell.

That table was mine! I was here first! It's what I set my tray and used napkins on for the Hispanic busboy who resembles the "time to make the donuts" guy.

And no, I didn't need the damn thing, but that's a moot point. A shared table between two easy chairs should remain equidistant to both. Law of the land. Known fact.

She didn't even ask. That's the other issue. The rules of civilized society dictate you ask before taking. That gives the take-ee an opportunity to say, "Hells no!"

It doesn't matter I had earbuds in and was permanently damaging my hearing by listening to "Hot For Teacher" at full blast. She should've done more than gauge my reaction while pulling the table away from me. Mouth the words, "I'm taking this away from you now," or, "You weren't using this, bitch." Something.

And now it's hers and now I'm shooting my new Asian enemy the stink eye as she gnaws her fingernail and reads a book on gynecology and obstetrics that's resting on a smooth tabletop I couldve put my shoes up on.

I hate you, Asian table-puller.