I Find Something to Like About Hot Rod

On the day stuntman Evel Knievel died, I watched Hot Rod featuring Andy Samberg as a would-be stuntman.

Yeah, I know. Say what you will. That's what the comments link on a blog is for. Rip me a new one.

But you can't dispute this: you've never seen a better fight scene between a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.

Open Letter to My Friend Playing Guitar Hero III Next to Me

'Sup, dude?

'Member Tuesday when we were rockin' the PS3 at your place? Then Slash crawled out of your mouth and took over for you? Not cool, bro. I kinda messed my pants a little and mom was pissed.


Next time that happens I'm out the window. No, seriously, bro. But first I'll slap the top hat off that scary prick's head and swing the controller upside his skull. I don't care what his score was.

Sincerely,
The Best Dual-play Partner You'll Ever Have Unless I Turn Into Eddie Van Halen

A Coward Takes Refuge on The Block

Criminal: Coward: from Icon/Marvel. Written by Ed Brubaker, art by Sean Phillips.


Baggage going in: I've been a fan of writer Ed Brubaker for a while--15 years, to be exact, ever since reading his serialized "An Accidental Death" story. The man is at his best when writing about the dark side of human nature. I also enjoy what he's been doing on Captain America (he was the guy who killed him off) and The Immortal Iron Fist. I don't purchase a lot of crime comics, however, because they rarely hold my attention.


You know you're reading the right comic when: The main character, Leo, starts planning a diamond heist with a pair of crooked cops. You get an idea of how canny this dude really is, and you begin to root for a career criminal who lives by his own set of rules.


I have ADD--boil it down™: A meticulous professional and his motley crew are recruited for a score on a police evidence van that escalates into something more dangerous than they bargained for...the characters are beautifully written and you care about every flawed one of them, especially the junkie/mentor Ivan...Sean Phillips' art is raw and bold and perfect for this story...the "Franz Kafka, Private Eye" comic strip felt unnecessary...this is not a feel-good story for readers who want a "freeze frame as they laugh" ending--this is about damaged souls from south of the law who know where they're headed...if it was a movie it would've been directed by John Frankenheimer or William Friedkin.


Final word: Pure, uncut crime comic smack you'll want to shoot up with a rusty syringe.

Hardcore rating: 4 out of 5 "Hardcore, Chucks"

Questions About Beowulf

I regard Robert Zemeckis as a master storyteller. His screenplay for Back to the Future, co-written with Bob Gale, is nothing short of perfection. That being said, I do have several nagging questions about his new movie Beowulf.

1. Why was Brundle-fly so angry? And why did he sound like George McFly?


2. Why did Beowulf take off his clothes for his first battle with a dude, but when Angelina Jolie came at him wet and naked he left them on?


3. Why didn't Santa help fight the dragon?

I Miss The Kids in the Hall

I rented Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy tonight, and I longed for new original material from those guys. Very few comedians today push the envelope the way they did, and this movie is from '96.

The Only Reason I Need to Not See Awake

So I'm watching the trailer for Awake, a movie directed by a dude named "Joby" (!) which stars Hayden Christensen (!) and Jessica Alba (!)...and even with all three of those things counting against it, I'm not entirely convinced it won't be at least semi-watchable.*

And then Fisher Stevens, as a surgeon, offends the writer in me by saying the line, "Just inject the heart. In an hour he'll be dead and we'll be rich."

Really?

No. Come on. Really?

* On TNT next year 'cuz they know drama. Kyra Sedgwick says so.

Excerpt from Assassination Vacation

Halfway through Sarah Vowell's compelling and hilarious bestseller, I thought this was worth noting for a possible story idea:

"As [Lincoln] was carried out of the Theatre, the blood from the wound in his head dropped along the floor, and many of the people dipped their handkerchiefs therein to preserve as a sacred souvenir of the beloved President."

The Block is Engulfed by The Mist

The Mist: Written and directed by Frank Darabont, based on the novella by Stephen King.


Baggage going in: I read the original story back in 1985 when it was part of the Skeleton Crew collection, and a year later I purchased the 3-D audiobook version on cassette (which remains a mind-blowing experience). It is one of my top ten favorite King stories. When I heard Darabont was going to helm the big-screen adaptation I broke down into tears and wee-wee'd in my boxers.

You know you're in the right movie when: The stockroom scene cements its faithfulness to the source material by recreating even the bursting bag of dog food...but the suckers on the tentacles have now been upgraded to long, black spikes. Don't stand near the door, Norm!

I have ADD--boil it down™: A mysterious mist harboring bloodthirsty creatures rolls over Castle Rock, Maine, and a melting pot of townspeople are trapped in a grocery store...Thomas Jane becomes every character he plays, and he's unrecognizable at first...the subtext during the "consequences of ruling through fear" conversation made me want to stand and applaud...you may want to smack Marcia Gay Harden in real life because of her perfect Mrs. Carmody (but don't)...I was disappointed by no King cameo...CG was top-notch...Toby Jones as "Ollie" deserves to be the next big action hero...make sure your date doesn't eat popcorn with too much butter on an empty stomach like mine did.

Final word: Darabont takes you farther into the mist than even King did--and ultimately schools him in the ways of raw horror.

Hardcore rating: 4 out of 5 "Hardcore, Chucks"

Best Movie Quote from Hard Candy

At least one other blogger has written a comprehensive study of actress Ellen Page and her performance in the 2005 independent movie Hard Candy, so I'll just limit this post to one quote.

"I guess they, uh, weren't brass." *

Add this to your Netflix queue and watch it with a guy. He'll wriggle uncomfortably for 103 minutes.


* I so called the disposal.

Stop Telling Me to Watch Family Guy

I was enjoying the company of fellow upstanding citizens at the unemployment office today, and I began thinking about The Simpsons--and not just because the gentleman sitting next to me was wearing lounge pants in public featuring Homer ogling a donut.

I'm no fair-weather fan when it comes to my favorite animated yellow family (aside from The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan). I haven't missed an episode since the series began.

Yet as recently as last month I've had acquaintances go into denial that I don't like an inferior show. "You gotta watch Family Guy, man! It's so much funnier than The Simpsons."

No I don't, and no it's not.

There are three kinds of people in this world: those that like relevant, social humor, those that like poop and puke jokes, and those that go to plays about lesbian witches for $150 a ticket (I'm guessing at that plot 'cuz I'm not a theatre guy).

Here are four frames from a cartoon I made in the pages of a textbook in 5th grade:


That's funnier to me than anything I've seen on Family Guy. If Seth McFarlane was doing it, he'd eliminate the last two panels.

It's time to come back to The Simpsons. Admittedly, the last couple seasons were just OK, but this season they've come back strong. The writers were refreshed from doing the movie, in my opinion, and remembered what made the show great.


Fine, one guy in the unemployment line had Simpsons pants on, but there were ten guys wearing Family Guy pants. What does that tell you?

Why I Love the New Jaime Sommers

After the first few episodes, the writers and producers of Bionic Woman are doing everything right. It's as if they're calling audibles from Joss Whedon's playbook.

You've got an independent woman displaying bravery despite overwhelming odds, a tough-but-fair father figure* who sends his female warrior into battle, a status quo that changes from one show to the next, an intriguing mythology being built, and life-or-death consequences for the main characters.

Oh, and every episode Jamie knocks a guy out with a hurled muskmelon or swings a terrorist into a glass table like a hammer. Quoting Kevin from The Office: "It's awesome."


* Miguel Ferrer should appear in every TV show and movie ever made--effective immediately. He should also be digitally inserted into I Love Lucy instead of Desi Arnaz just so he can say, "Lucy, I'm going to the Tropicana...and no funny business." Because digital Lucy would listen to him.

Welcome to My Block Party

My name's Eric Rider. I'm an unemployed writer with Peter Pan Syndrome--I even have beard stubble to complete the cliché. My hobbies include writing screenplays, teleplays, comic book scripts, and unfinished novels. My creative plumbing has been blocked lately, so I started this blog to keep my writing skills honed. I'll be sharing my thoughts on books, movies, TV shows, comics, podcasts, music, video games, and the Interweb...all the things that distract me from writing things I can actually sell. If you're lucky I'll even post a few original stories.

So drop your keys in the bowl, nibble on some cheese and chips, and let me pour you a margarita.