Cup 'o Joe to Go

Borrowing an idea from the Frank Whaley cinematic masterpiece Career Opportunities, Boxter and I secretly slept in a display pup tent in a Super Target last night. Jennifer Connelly was nowhere to be found, nor did we foil any looters.

We headed across the parking lot to the nearest Panera for more free coffee and lemon slices. (Targets and Paneras go together like Lindsay Lohan and freckles.

To address MJenks' comment in the previous post, here's my ranking of coffee from best to worst:

1. Dunkin Donuts
2. Home-brewed Eight O'Clock brand
3. Panera
4. Muddy ditch water
5. McDonald's Premium

Soon to be addressed: where my Blogger hoodie came from.

Back to the Long Walk (anyone out there read the Richard Bachman story?)

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BaconQuest Resumes

My handset is now fully charged and the ominous heat lightning has stopped, so Boxter and I have resumed our cross-country search for McGone's missing friend Fernando.

We wandered into a Target in the next town to use the facilities, and I thought I'd found him on one of the shelves.

This pig was made of porcelain, not molded plastic, and he gave no indication of possessing witty thoughts or dry sarcasm. Boxter didn't react to this scent, so we moved on.

We then entered a nearby Panera. The manager claimed Boxter couldn't come in due to health concerns. I pointed out that his health is immaculate. When she insisted, I claimed I was legally blind and Boxter was my "sight partner."

After I tethered him outside, I went back in for a bite to eat. Recently on Valerie's blog, some jerk took a shot at me, saying I didn't have enough money to eat in Panera.

He was right. I would have spent all my cash on soup and half a sandwich.

But did you know you can drink all you want at Panera if you keep your cup? I'm bringing mine with me.

I also cleaned out their bucket of lemon slices.


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Home Again, Home Again

Boxter and I had begun our search for Fernando, and even made it a few miles down the road, but then had to turn back. I forgot the travel adapter for my mobile handset.

Also the heat lightning last night made me think I was walking into a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. I got scared.

I'll try again in the morning.

Unless it storms.

Swine Flew

If you've been checking out McGone's blog lately, you know his porcine partner Fernando was abducted by the Pork Liberation Front last week. They are demanding $1 million dollars for his safe return.

Now, I've never met Fernando. I wouldn't know him from that floating pig above Pink Floyd concerts. He seems like a well-rounded chap, and for a hooved animal he's a good writer. But I wouldn't go out of my way to fill his slop bucket.

Yet...I'm about to embark on my own search for Fernando. I'm bringing my blog mascot Boxter with me.


Why, you ask? Why go out of my way to rescue a tiny pig I've never met from the clutches of another tiny pig? Three reasons: I'm unemployed with nothing better to do, the TV season is over, and I need to clear my name.

It seems my "good friend" McGone thinks I may be responsible for his pink pal's abduction. I can't have that hanging over my wooden head.

I've got a CrackBerry for mobile blogging purposes, and $10.78 in my pocket. That and my street smarts will be plenty to get us to Oregon, which is where the PLF seems to be headquartered.

Boxter has acquired the scent. I'll write more from the road.

Stay strong, Fernando. We're on our way.

And maybe, just maybe, we'll learn something about ourselves.

Hopefully I'll be back in time for the fall TV season.

Dear Joss Whedon

Please return to Astonishing X-Men. Sooner than later. You frickin' nailed it. I can't remember the last time I loved Kitty Pryde so much.