Fanfic By Celebrities

When an average sports fan performs his own song about a favorite team, it comes across as the musical equivalent of fan fiction.

Fanfic is a frightening thing to stumble across on the Interweb. So frightening, in fact, that I don't even want to Google search or link to it.

You wanna lose faith in your fellow man right quick? Check how many sites are devoted to the erotic misadventures of superheroes in bondage. (Or don't. Just sleep well knowing they exist.) The concept is as mystifying as Jeremy Piven's hairline 20 years ago compared to now.

So when an accomplished musician pens his homage to a pro baseball team, why is that not seen as geeky?

I can easily see Eddie Vedder writing a song about playing Wiffleball with his childhood friends in the streets of Evanston, Illinois; a fond recollection of a cherished activity that didn't involve millionaire athletes and a brand name.

I just think geniuses like Vedder should be above celebrating a baseball franchise. It seems so anti-Vedder; so unlike the guy who campaigned against Ticketmaster.

And this isn't a Cubs vs. Sox thing. I'd think this was out of character if he were singing about Comiskey Park.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to chapter 37 of my "Willow Loves Tara Always" story.

No Virtual Cuddling

There's nothing good on TV. I've been teased by promos for fall shows, but we all know the good stuff won't air until late September.

Right now it's all jocks in China and I couldn't care less.

(Note to self: First track off my new album Jocks in China should be "I Couldn't Care Less.")

Where do I turn for my entertainment fix in the meantime? I'm tired of playing "Magnifying Death Ray" with insects.

As if answering my fist-shaking challenge to Mount Olympus, I received this intriguing email.

"Bearacb Darkstone has offered you 'Shakira Night Invite w/cuddle rug' in Second Life. Log in to accept or decline the offer."

I'd almost forgotten that I had joined the online Second Life community a few years back.* I hung out there long enough to discover a few things before bailing:

1. I like who I am, so my avatar looks just like me. But other people's avatars were giant floating penises with penises for arms and a huge eye for a penis. Or they were nude albino elves with machine gun limbs.

2. Just like in real life, I avoided interacting with strangers. In either reality I prefer watching the freakshow from the sidelines.

But out of perverse curiosity, I wanted to find out what a Shakira Night Invite w/ a cuddle rug could possibly be. My Google search was fruitless.

Did you mean: Shakira Night Invite we/cuddle rug

"No, silly Google-bot," I said out loud, "that's not what I meant--and how does that make any more sense?"

I don't want to visit Second Life to find out. That's like giving in--on so many levels. Besides, what if Bearacb Darkstone is a scary dude waiting for me there? It's possible cuddle rug is ironic Second Life slang for something sinister. The Sea Bass/bathroom stall scene in Dumb and Dumber might have been funny for most, but in terms of sheer terror, in my mind, it ranks right up there with Ned Beatty in his tighty-whities silently gathering his clothes. I don't want to be man-handled, is what I'm saying. Even virtually.

I just want to know what a Shakira Night Invite w/cuddle rug is, fer cry eye.

And I wouldn't care about any of this if my favorite shows were back on. This summer hiatus is killing me.

* As the Dwight Schrute line goes, "Back then my life was so great I literally wanted a second one." Click here for the clip before NBC legal yanks it. (Those last four words could be graffiti in a men's room at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, come to think of it.)

The Chinese Love Three-Ways

Since its release on DVD a few months back, Google searches for "Beowulf" have been the number one reason surfers have visited Rider's Block. Specifically this post. I'd venture a guess and say about 1,000 hits have come from that post alone.

Needless to say, I was thrilled to see a new search phrase finally bump the oft-nude CG character out of the top spot, if only temporarily.


From Guadalajara to Honolulu to Shanghai, folks want to know about "three-ways." I'm the number two search at this point, though there's probably no chance of overtaking Urban Dictionary's definition of the phrase.

My step has additional spring to it this morning. Mom would be proud.

Ellen Page/Writers Guild of America Solidarity Beard Update #5

Consider today's post a membership drive effort. You just tuned in to NPR for This American Life, and Ira Glass is asking you to pledge five bucks. Except I'm not asking for cash, and I won't be able to lure you with Sarah Vowell's lovely speaking voice.

Since David Letterman resumed The Late Show Wednesday night, Rider's Block has been viewed by no fewer than 40 unique hits in 36 hours due to Google searches for "writer's guild strike beard." My blog seems to be the top search result for that phrase.* (There's also the troubling visit I got from a branch of the U.S. Government, viewable here, but I won't get into that.)

And last week's searches for quotes from Hard Candy, detailed here, continue to bring in multiple hits a day.

I'd be a world-class idiot to not use these searches to attract readers, wouldn't I?

So here's Ellen Page, star of Hard Candy and Juno, with a Writers Guild of America solidarity beard.


My request of you, O Wise Searcher of Blogs: If you were amused by this post, stick around and read more. Bookmark it. Come back tomorrow. If you've never read a blog before, this is what Rider's Block is about. If the mood strikes, leave a comment. If you have a blog, I will link to it and read it. And if you roll your cursor above most of the images here, you're rewarded with hidden caption-treasures that tickle the spirit.

I'm trying to network, you see, for reasons I'll explain at the end of January.

Thanks for stopping by.

* I'm not among the top search results anymore. It dropped off overnight. But still.

Your Hard Candy Quote Blog

Beginning Christmas morning, Google searches for quotes from Hard Candy started directing surfers to Rider's Block. It hasn't been a week yet, and the number of those visitors has reached a dozen.

Aside from not understanding why a movie about a girl confronting a pedophile is on people's minds on little Baby Jebus' birthday, I'm concerned about another matter. I feel like I short-changed the folks who read my original post and found just one quote.

Here are three more quotes from Hard Candy. But first, a fun (made up) fact about Ellen Page.

Didja know™ Ellen Page will only appear in a film, or help promote it, if she's allowed to wear Chuck Taylors? That's because she was born wearing them! It should be true!

"Well, four out of five doctors agree that I am actually insane."

"Honor student, remember? Nothing I can't do when I put my mind to it."

"Was I born a cute, vindictive, little bitch or...did society make me that way?"