Fanfic By Celebrities

When an average sports fan performs his own song about a favorite team, it comes across as the musical equivalent of fan fiction.

Fanfic is a frightening thing to stumble across on the Interweb. So frightening, in fact, that I don't even want to Google search or link to it.

You wanna lose faith in your fellow man right quick? Check how many sites are devoted to the erotic misadventures of superheroes in bondage. (Or don't. Just sleep well knowing they exist.) The concept is as mystifying as Jeremy Piven's hairline 20 years ago compared to now.

So when an accomplished musician pens his homage to a pro baseball team, why is that not seen as geeky?

I can easily see Eddie Vedder writing a song about playing Wiffleball with his childhood friends in the streets of Evanston, Illinois; a fond recollection of a cherished activity that didn't involve millionaire athletes and a brand name.

I just think geniuses like Vedder should be above celebrating a baseball franchise. It seems so anti-Vedder; so unlike the guy who campaigned against Ticketmaster.

And this isn't a Cubs vs. Sox thing. I'd think this was out of character if he were singing about Comiskey Park.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to chapter 37 of my "Willow Loves Tara Always" story.

Phelps Blog Reaction #865,000

I didn't want to write about Michael Phelps' eighth gold medal win in the Beijing Summer Olympics, but I've been told I have to.

Dear Mr. Rider,

Please be advised that Blogger's Terms of Service (specifically, section 8.6's "Content in the Services") indicates the following: "You agree that you will blog about matters of national pride as exemplified by athletes, politicians, celebrities, etc., etc...up to and including prop comedians. Failure to do so may result in deletion of your blog."

We here at Blogger have noticed it has been 12 hours since U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps set a new world record, yet you have failed to post any content related to your feelings regarding his achievement.

We do not want to delete your blog. It is mildly amusing and fills a niche among popular culture blogs written by folks with differently-shaped heads made of wood.

If I may suggest a topic: speculate on the size of Phelps' "johnson." But do it from a heterosexual male's perspective. We here at Blogger love the dick jokes.

Get with the program or join the jamokes over at Wordpress.

Best Wishes, Phineas T. Blogspot
Founder and CEO of Blogger

Alright, already...but let the record show I'm writing this under duress.

I was watching last night's relay race, but only because Mrs. Rider didn't want to watch Ruins with me. (Apparently "horror" movies make her "scared" and she doesn't like feelings of "dread.")

I'll say this: it was pretty cool watching history being made.

Michael Phelps represented his country on the world stage, kicked ass, and instilled feelings of American pride that we'll all be talking about for years to come.

It's Wheaties boxes and Speedo endorsement deals for Phelps from here on out. In 30 years he'll have replaced Chuck Norris as a pitchman for exercise equipment. And good for him; he deserves it.

The truth is, I appreciate him for no other reason than we've needed someone to rally behind for the last seven years.

I hope this fulfills my obligation.

Side note: As cool as Phelps' win was, I actually had more of a patriotic reaction from this comic book page. Keep in mind it came out around 2002.