Blockheaded Observations on Lost 4.13

Here's the level of Lost fanatic I am: after returning home from seeing The Kids in the Hall at 1:00 AM last night,* I immediately watched all two hours of "There's No Place Like Home, Part 2."

I managed to stay awake this time--because the episode kicked that much ancient-Saltine-eating ass.

• I'm maintaining my long-standing position that the series is an exploration of the science behind Fantasy Island--all because of Locke's line, "It's a place where miracles happen." If Cuse & Lindelof were writing this show for another network and weren't prone to homage after homage, I'd leave it alone. But has Sawyer ever made an FI reference...and why wouldn't he? You can bow at my feet and buy me a beer in May 2010. I'll be the guy wearing the white suit saying, "Smiles, everyone."
• As much as I enjoyed the Sayid/Keamy fight, I liked Keamy killing his own man more. Perhaps he was a kickball champ in grade school.
• Maybe no one visited Walt because they couldn't recognize him.
• If Locke ever had a wife, she would have known better than to send him to Frank's for anthuriums. He would have wandered around all afternoon without asking for help. Duh.
• Instead of a Jacob and the Ghostbuster sitcom, now I'd rather see a spinoff series entitled Rose 'n Shorty. "Who told you you could eat those nuts?"
• I think next season's equivalent of "Meet Kevin Johnson" will feature the return of Jin. There's no way he's dead. I say a Dharma dolphin will save him from the Dharma shark and give him a ride to safety.
• Seriously? I know kids who pointed out that Sawyer had a shirt went he jumped from the copter and that it conveniently vanished when he staggered from the surf. You know, fer the ladies!
• It was then pointed out by my Signficant Other that Kate's cleavage was prominently displayed throughout the finale. "Not the same," said I. "Her shirt's not comin' off."
• I liked how the camera showed Hurley when they realized they needed to ditch a few hundred pounds.
• I wonder if Michael thought he was impervious to C-4 explosions? 'Cuz why even stay behind at that point?
• Juliet and Sawyer will hook up with the help of Dharma rum. And why does drunk Juliet look exactly like sober Juliet?
• I cried like a woman when Des and Penny were reunited. Oh, wait. That wasn't me.
  
• I didn't expect to see the Oceanic Six actually leaving the island until the end of the series. Was anyone else surprised? Does this mean the next season picks up immediately after the island reappears elsewhere or will we jump ahead to Jack's efforts to "get the band back together"?
  
• That being said, I totally called Ben's exit from the island for good. (That makes me 1 for 50, but still...)

* It didn't help that the Chicago Theatre is directly across the street from the local ABC affiliate and the finale was showing on a big screen LCD in the studio's front window.

Blockheaded Speculation on Lost 4.12

The first part of "There's No Place Like Home" has the urgency of Michael gunning for a Dumpster with a note pinned to his shirt.

This season's over after two more hours. I'm both dreading and anticipating the moments before the "Lost" title card slams onto the screen for the last time in 2008. What will the final shot reveal? The freighter exploding? The island sinking into a swirling vortex and appearing on the other side of the world off the coast of Saudi Arabia?* Claire in Jedi robes materializing next to Charlie, Boone, and Shannon? (Face it, she's dead, Jim.)

I go into the finale with no baggage. I've been pleased with the pace of this season. Cuse & Lindelof have continued to inspire me as a writer with their storytelling techniques.

This week I'm only speculating about one scene I'm expecting in 2010.

• Hurley's mom will continue her trend of "not getting it" in a flash-forward when she wakes him and says, "Hugo [pronounced hoo•go], it's 4/8 and I've brought you 15 or 16 donuts to celebrate the 2,342nd day of your safe return from the island."

I'd love to see him leap out of bed, knock the donuts from her hands, and bust a Hurley-shaped hole in the bedroom wall as he runs into the sunset. End of series.


* What's the deal with the skyline reflected in the water in the promos? Shouldn't that be explained? What city is that?

Blockheaded Observations on Lost 4.11

I have a shameful confession this week. I fell asleep during "Cabin Fever."

I have no excuse. If I were employed and had a tiring week with no sleep, that would be one thing. But I'm an unshaven slug who ambles around the house in a tattered bathrobe and South Park lounge pants. There's no reason for nodding off during what sounded like an excellent episode.

I remember four things.

• Keamy had an iPod strapped to his bicep, and the mere sight of it caused Captain Gault his life.
  
• Christian and Claire were acting like a Sith Lord and his dark apprentice.
• Hurley shared a tender chocolate moment with Ben.
• Locke said he had to "move the island."
  

Which begs the question: How does one man move a land mass surrounded by water?

Answer: Lift with your legs and follow Ross Geller's advice.*

* A joke I'm stealing from my Significant Other, who managed to stay awake.

Blockheaded Observation on Lost 4.10

Admittedly, I'm tardy with my weekly post on my favorite show. This is clearly a weak attempt to put something out there before tonight's episode airs. Also, I'm breaking the speculation theme I established less than two weeks ago.

But I've gotta say: the writers are getting too cute with their red herrings.

Right before Jack saw his dad in the hospital lobby--which some fans attribute to a corporeal form assumed by the smoke monster--he hears a smoke detector going off.

You're pushing it, guys.

Blockheaded Speculation on Lost 4.9

Even though "The Shape of Things to Come" blew many of the previous episode's theories out of the water, I appreciate Cuse & Lindelof's collective genius all the more.

You know what else I appreciate? The fact that folks who might normally look down their noses at the sort of plots easily embraced by comic book fans are now deeply invested in this show and have been duped into world-class geekitude. They think comics are "gay" because major characters have strange powers, get punched ad infinitum without serious injury, and fight powerful villains.

Meanwhile walking scar tissue Benjamin Linus is summoning smoke monsters and teleporting to Tunisia so he can face off against a British Lex Luthor...in an episode penned by a pair of comic book writers.

I loves me the irony as much as the blockheaded speculation. Try these on for size:

• Alex is not dead. You'll buy this if you think Ben is always two steps ahead of everyone else. For almost four seasons this master tactician has had a plan. Are we to believe that while he somehow knew the island could keep Michael alive, when his adopted daughter's life was at stake and the island might not protect her--he wouldn't release Smokey before her execution? I say he knew she would recover. Like how Locke was "lucky" when the bullet passed through his body where his kidney used to be--Ben knew from where Keamy was pointing his gun that that part of her brain contained memories of Karl and her early '90s fashion sense, and good riddance to both. But what about the ending with Widmore where Ben talks about taking out Penny? Well, if Alex is actually dead...
  
• Ben will leave the island by the season finale. When we see Ben waking up in the desert, that's hours after Alex's supposed death. He dons a Dharka and takes his grief with him into the future, pissed about the "changing of the rules." (Or it could be he knows Alex is fine but uses her shooting as an excuse to escalate his war with Widmore.)*
• Widmore is immortal and was on the Black Rock. Actually, this is a theory of McGone's which I lifted to pad this post. Aside from being a graphic designer, mixologist, and TV drama theorist, he is also a freelance illustrator of comic books. See? I brought this post full circle.
  

* Backpedal much, Rider?

Blockheaded Speculation on Lost 4.8

It's been over a month since we saw the Benjamin Linus/Charles Widmore chess match in action, and it's been longer than that since I last posted about it.

Season 4 is halfway over--sort of confusing since eight episodes have aired with six to go. (Darn writers' strike.) So to celebrate the return of the show tomorrow, here's a refresher on what happened in "Meet Kevin Johnson."

I'm not asking silly questions anymore, by the way. I'll be speculatin' about serious issues right through to the finale.

• Benjamin Linus is actually Benjamin Franklin. With the conflict between Ben and Widmore, we're seeing a modern Revolutionary War between the U.S. and Great Britain. I haven't fleshed this one out fully, but I have two crackpot arguments to support this theory. 1) John Locke was a philosopher whose writings influenced our Founding Fathers when they penned the Declaration of Independence (as well as a dude named Rousseau!). And 2) the code that "Kevin" enters into the bomb on the freighter was 7-1-7-7-6.*
• Sayid is already working for Ben. So is Captain Gault. Er...I got nothin'. I just know I'm right.
• Michael is immortal. He can't kill himself by car crash or gunshot because "the island won't let him." That means if he tries to die of old age he'll live forever! And if he plays his cards right, he'll be celebrated as a deity. There's even a chance that's a huge four-toed statue of Michael on the island, what with time travel and all. He'll go back in time with Walt Jr., his polar bear constant, and rule over a mysterious island until the Dharma folks show up and erect a statue of his freakish foot. (This theory will hold water until we see Michael has all ten toes.)
• Alex will kill Ben in the series finale in 2010. Ben sent her birth mother and boyfriend to their deaths...she'll do what she has to. Then she'll have her eyes enlarged to manga-chick proportions and become the new Ben. (All leaders of Dharma must have bulging eyes. It's in their mission statement.)
  
• It's Vincent in the coffin. Again...nothin'.
  

* I don't read the Lost boards, so if no one has floated this analogy yet, please let me know how much of a genius I am.

Unanswered Questions from Lost 4.6/4.7

I played hooky last time, so here's my speed-round on 4.6: Juliet pursed her lips more than any ten previous appearances combined, Ben made me laugh many times (once with the quote, "This didn't have a number on it, did it?" and then by simply traipsing into a cabin carrying linens 'n things), and I was forced into saying a magazine title when I said, "Harper's bizarre."

Week-old questions:

• Who but Juliet has ever been able to state, "I had an affair with Goodwin Stanhope"? We're drifting dangerously close to daytime drama territory with names like that, aren't we?
• Who else thought dead Goodwin was going to open his eyes? *Raising my hand and peering out into the blogosphere*
  
• How much scarier is Ben when he acts like a lovesick puppy? Next he'll be pulling pigtails and pushing girls in the playground mud. "You're mine," indeed.
  

Tonight's episode was designed to play to viewers' expectations that Sun and Jin always share a backup story. I caught the twist early--I'm getting that good. We also saw the return of darling Nikki (on Korean TV), another guest star was bumped off as quickly as she appeared (Zoe Bell performing her own stunt, one assumes), and we find out which major character actually dies at age 30 (per a tombstone). And who didn't call the identity of Ben's spy on the ship months ago?

Current questions:

• Was Jin the victim of an elaborate grift perpetrated by the manufacturers of stuffed animals and cell phones?
• How much funnier would it have been if the whole delivery room was full of pandas?
• How much less funny would it have been if Bernard had backpedaled further on his same-sex-marriage freak-out by saying, "Not that there's anything wrong with that?" (Admit it, you thought he'd say it.)
• Did Sayid and Desmond really need a note to warn them not to trust a guy named Captain Gault? Thanks, "Kevin Johnson." They could have searched Wikipedia like the rest of us.
  

Unanswered Questions from Lost 4.5

Normally this show leaves me with my head perpetually tilted to the side like Nipper.

This week's installment was no different. Sure, Desmond's jumps between 1996 and 2004 were confusing at best. And yes, one can't help but ponder a connection between Daniel "Unfrozen Oxford Caveman" Faraday's machine being tuned to 2.342 and Penny's old man bidding on lot 2342 (the Black Rock painting).

But this week my relief outweighs the questions.

Until tonight I thought we were in for Fisher Stevens as this season's Big Bad. And if you've been reading the Block for the past few months you know there's not much I like about that dude. I recognized "Minkowski's" irritating voice from those first phone calls from the freighter, and I thought, Shit, Fisher Stevens is now a character on my favorite drama.

But by the end of this episode I was thinking, Yay! He appeared briefly and died like a rat!

I'm celebrating with no questions.

Unanswered Questions from Lost 4.4

Cuse and Lindelof lobbed us a softball with the whole Kate's son reveal, but we got so much more to make up for it: Locke giving Ben the satisfaction of knowing he crawled under his skin for the umpteenth time, a clean-shaven Jack committing perjury, VHS movies from 1980 that somehow haven't degraded yet, an Asian man in bondage with an explosive forced in his mouth, and a shame-faced Scooby Doo reference. Plus there's the promise of Jack finding out he's an uncle and being a future jerk about it.

But, oh, the questions, questions, questions.

• Should Claire let Locke near Aaron when she hears what he uses as a pacifier?
• How is it that Evangeline Lilly looks less feminine in clean clothes?
  
• Will Kate admit to the beachies that she was expelled from the philosopher-king's compound? How many will laugh?
  
• Female viewers and fellow bloggers like Marni sigh and moan over love scenes with Sawyer...but have they considered the greasy film he leaves behind? Not to mention the long hairs on the pillows?
• Why was Locke's solution to running out of eggs to choke his chicken?
• How much longer until ABC starts marketing Dharma-branded boxed wine and assorted snacks? I picture an entire grocery aisle full of bland, generic packaging. It'll feel like Cub Foods in the mid '90s.

Unanswered Questions from Lost 4.3

The plot twists are screaming along like a Soul Asylum runaway train now, and expect things to really heat up after the eighth episode of the season. Due to the end of the writer's strike and the shortened season, Carlton Cuse has said they're going to condense the last half of this season into five episodes instead of the planned eight.

Tonight we got to see Naveen Andrews in golfing clothes, Miles begging for a weapon before picking on Hugo and being traded for a chick, a rhetorical question about "playing house" with Sawyer aimed at the female viewers who all whispered "I would," and the distinct possibility that Elsa's boss is the Pager King boyfriend of Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. Also, the latest round of questions:

• When Sayid closed the eyelids of the two actresses playing corpses, were either of them terrified of his overly long and feminine fingernails coming near their faces?
  
• Don't lesbians usually exchange leather wristbands? And how angry will Regina on the freighter be when she sees Naomi is dead? (Those are her initials on the bracelet, right?)
  
• Locke was already upset when Hurley could see Jacob's cabin, so how will he react when Jacob and the ghostbuster hit it off like long-lost buddies? A little less special, perhaps?
• Would you watch a sitcom called Jacob and the Ghostbuster?
  
• Did anyone else think the 30-minutes-late-payload-missile was about to hit the helicopter and give us a Gilligan's Island-like reason why no one would be able to leave?
  
• You do realize Sayid has left the island for good, right? And that the postcard he sends Jack will be of Naveen Andrews appearing in the sequel to Planet Terror?
  

Unanswered Questions from Lost 4.2

Before they had an end date in sight, the old Lost would've stretched the events of tonight's episode out over three weeks. But in a short 48 minutes we got the backstories of four new interesting characters, a Colonel Kurtz joke, pet polar bear bones, a cowbell, a shooting, a fresh round of Whose Turn Is It To Kick Ben's Ass?, and proof that Mr. Abbadon wasn't a figment of Hurley's imagination.

That's not to say questions weren't left hanging in the air like the bitter stench of sadness wafting off a soundly whipped Mormon presidential candidate.

• Was Jeff Fahey added to the cast to refuel the old theories that events on the island are happening in a virtual reality?
• How were the rover operators so sure of the flight number of the sunken plane? Is Oceanic like Qantas and rarely has accidents?
  
• How much longer will it be until Jennifer Love Hewitt is featured as Miles Straume's lover in a Very Special Crossover Episode with The Ghost Whisperer?
• When we finally see Fisher Stevens as George Minkowski, will the producers furnish him with a thick prosthetic for his pencil-neck so he doesn't look like the male equivalent of Giada De Laurentiis? Because a huge head on a thin body is just so distracting...and I miss enough Easter eggs on this show already.
  

Unanswered Questions from Lost 4.1

I put my hands in the calloused-yet-girlishly- gentle grips of Lindelof & Cuse, and they did their jobs better than any other television writers working today.* This new season kicked off with a bang and gave my flabby speculation muscles a workout. I've missed that.

Of course, Lost wouldn't be Lost without the requisite new questions (which are as inevitable as bad reviews for an Eva Longoria movie).

• Didn't anyone even consider that Hurley could have destroyed the Looking Glass station by cannonballing into it? (In glorious slow motion?)
• Will Jack continue to shoot blanks when he gets off the island--and is that why he doesn't end up with Kate?
  
• Now that Locke and Jacob are roomies (that was Locke, right?), can we count on hearing Michael Giacchino's haunting version of The Odd Couple theme soon?
• Is the afterlife fashionable? When someone drowns are they always resurrected in hipster clothes and sunglasses like zombie Charlie?
  

* An admittedly small group considering the strike, but I meant well.

Writers Guild of America Solidarity Beard Update #3

Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are going back to work in two weeks, and my beard has spread all over my body in happiness.


I'll be watching, of course, and not for the train wreck factor. Both those dudes can and will be funny as hell without writers. Come on, it's a stand-up comedian and a guy from Second City.

What I want to see are more television shows winging it without scripts. Viewers of Life According to Jim and 'Til Death would notice little or no difference. I'd watch Carson Daly's show if it went interactive and parts of his body and brain were wired to behavioral-modification-through-electrical-shock switches on the Interweb. That might give me a reason to tune in/participate. Repeatedly.

And, seriously, I'd pay to watch Jorge Garcia just drive around the island in his VW bus and screw up Lost continuity with shit he makes up while stoned on Maui Waui. The flash-forwards could show him in the 30th century fighting the lizard-aliens from V with a scantily-clad Libby at his side.

When the writer's strike is over, they can explain it all away by finding Hurley hallucinating in a field. Then for the remaining episodes he'll be in the background munching out on Dharma chips and cookies.