Hail to the King, Baby

If you're a multi-millionaire author like Stephen King and you rip another writer's work, there's a risk of coming across as a mean old bully. I mean, you don't see Tom Hanks criticizing Drew Barrymore's limited acting range (although that'd be awesome).

But since King is one of my influences, and since he recently went after two best-selling authors whose work I despise, I applaud the balls it took for him to speak his mind.

No one who reads Stephenie Meyers' weak take on vampires is gonna be swayed by anything I write here in my little corner of the Innertubes, but maybe they'll take a card-carrying horror master's word for it.

The same goes for fans of James Patterson, whom I recently credited with pinching out such a steaming pile of literary excrement that it made me realize I'm already a better writer than he or his collaborators could ever hope to be.

Put 'em in their place, Unca Steve. I got your back.

Excerpt from Born Standing Up

Due to illness and insomnia, I finally had the time to finish listening to Steve Martin's riveting memoir Born Standing Up.* Until now, I'd never heard any comedian explain in such depth how they shaped their comedic philosophy and honed their routine. Martin mainly touches on his personal journey and early career on stage. The book ends with the reasons he left stand-up behind, shortly after making The Jerk. I think he needs to write another book about his Hollywood years.

This is a great quote where he's talking about a girlfriend who left him behind:

"...Mitzi sent me a gentle and direct Dear John letter. She had been swept away by the director John Frankenheimer, who, 20 years later, tried and failed to seduce my then wife, the actress Victoria Tennant, whom he was directing in a movie.

Incidentally, Frankenheimer died a few years ago, but it was not I who killed him."

* I normally read novels but there are certain books I prefer hearing in audiobook format, such as memoirs read by the author.

Last Entertainment Offerings of 2007

2007 wasn't the best year for me, and I, for one, am happy to put it in the rearview. Here's how I entertained myself for the last 12 hours of the year.

Last DVD of 2007: Futurama: Bender's Big Score. Here's a movie that's representative of the entire year for me: it started out strong and limped to a wheezing close, leaving me unsatisfied and pissed off. I loved the TV series, but this direct-to-video offering just wasn't that funny.


Last TV show of 2007: The Friends episode, "The One with All the Resolutions." Because Ross coming out of a date's bathroom with a wadded up, sticky ball of leather, saying, "I had a problem," is funnier than admitting I watched Carson Daly cross his arms uncomfortably on live TV for the last 30 minutes of the year. (Why hasn't that guy jumped in front of a train yet?)


Last book of 2007: I received The Areas of My Expertise for Christmas, written by John Hodgman from The Daily Show. I literally laughed till I cried on more than one evening while reading it. He has a list of 700 hobo names, and I read every single one. Click here for the one, highlighted in red, that gripped me with uncontrollable giggle-spasms and left my face red and damp. I want to write like Hodgman.


Last concert of 2007: Two hours before midnight, I attended a performance by indie rock band Downmind. Sure, it took place in a basement, and yeah, when I left a fifth of the audience vanished, but that doesn't mean they didn't kick all kinds of ass. I'm no music critic, but they were raw and powerful and have a distinctive voice. My new favorite song is "Before and After," which sounds a bit like The Smithereens (with an edge). Give the boys a listen and support your local talent.


Disclaimer: Rider's nephew plays drums and is a founding member of Downmind, and his other nephew dances next to the lead guitarist/singer like the little guy in The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Legend on The Block

I'm a sucker for "end of humanity" stories. I don't care if you're talking about nuclear annihilation, natural catastrophe, zombies due to a mutated virus...I love 'em all. Any actor who has appeared in such a genre has instant cred with me. If you mention Don Johnson, I think A Boy and His Dog. Anthony Edwards? Screw ER and Top Gun, I think Miracle Mile. (Even Mare Winningham couldn't ruin that movie for me, and she taints everything she's done in front of a camera.)

The event that sparked my fascination was when my dad took me to see The Omega Man on the big screen. I remember thinking, Who is this Charlton Heston fellow, and why is he always gritting his teeth? I didn't know, but he spent that whole movie drunk and angry and shooting albino mutants wearing Ray-Bans. Does a movie need anything more?

In college, I discovered Richard Matheson's 1954 novel in a used bookstore. That's when I learned the title was actually I Am Legend.* I read it and appreciated the scientific explanation for how vampires could actually exist. The idea that monsters could be explained by science had a significant impact on my writing.

But not before I wrote some piss-poor fiction of my own about a similar subject.

Presented here, for your amusement, is an excerpt from an unfinished story I wrote called "Byrne's World." A 22-year-old kid is going about his daily activities as the last slacker on the planet.** His actions mirror the frustration a young Eric Rider must have been feeling about a recent breakup.

"I went over to [my ex-girlfriend's] house and blew out some of her walls with these M-80s that I found on my trip to Indiana. Then I built a ramp leading up to the picture window...and drove her prize '85 Thunderbird up it, a cinderblock holding the gas pedal at a steady 70. It went through the window just fine, but it veered to the left slightly and only took out two walls. The roof didn't even collapse. I had to introduce her father's Mercedes to the living room before the remaining walls gave out and the second floor said howdy-do to the first."

Will Smith is trying to synthesize a cure to save mankind. I'm trashing an ex's house. Nice.


* It's worth mentioning that before Will Smith's movie came out with the book's original title, it had been adapted twice. Vincent Price played the titular role in The Last Man on Earth, nine years before Heston.

** I didn't have the patience for explanations--he just woke up and everyone was gone, OK?

I Slog Wearily Through Handler's Adverbs

A nephew lent me Adverbs. My review will be written in author Daniel Handler's style.

Terrance, a name reserved for male individuals but not in this case, punched her significant other as she slept. Terrance acted out in this fashion night after night, employing a right cross to Eric's left cheekbone. Her significant other, the aforementioned Eric, accepted his beatings because that's what it means to love your wife or domestic partner or girlfriend or any of the other myriad meanings of significant other. Love means unconditional forgiveness for intentional or unintentional actions.

A magpie drinks a Screaming Orgasm while a man named Tricia kisses a naked stranger in the forest. Then the magpie burps burps burps. This sounds like an odd sentence but it will come into play later. Or not.

One example of an intentional act that requires forgiveness might extend to a reader forgiving the author of a series of beloved children's novels for crafting a series of disparate essays and characters and placing them between bound covers and saying aloud, "This is a mature novel with a theme that says something about our current state." The author in question, whose last name sounds like a job title in the credits of a motion picture featuring serpents as a substitute for "wrangler," enjoys writing clever, stream-of-consciousness prose designed to lead the hapless reader into a quagmire the likes of which he might never escape.

If one were to ask Eric about his reading experience with the mature novel with a theme that says something about our current state, Eric would be careful of the words he chose so as not to offend the young man who lent him the book in the first place. The book, it's important to note, was recommended the same evening as a brand of bedtime tea called "Yogi Tea" by this young man, an aspiring musician who likes songs with titles like, "Bunk Trunk Skunk" and "Secret Knowledge Of Backroads." Eric would act the part of a diplomat, here meaning "the kind with immunity in a foreign land," and say the following sentence: "It worked better than the tea at putting me to sleep and keep in mind I didn't want to sleep because of Terrance punching me in my face and all."

The magpie next tried a Slippery Nipple before the volcano erupted erupted erupted, which is something else love is like.

Excerpt from Assassination Vacation

Halfway through Sarah Vowell's compelling and hilarious bestseller, I thought this was worth noting for a possible story idea:

"As [Lincoln] was carried out of the Theatre, the blood from the wound in his head dropped along the floor, and many of the people dipped their handkerchiefs therein to preserve as a sacred souvenir of the beloved President."

The Block is Engulfed by The Mist

The Mist: Written and directed by Frank Darabont, based on the novella by Stephen King.


Baggage going in: I read the original story back in 1985 when it was part of the Skeleton Crew collection, and a year later I purchased the 3-D audiobook version on cassette (which remains a mind-blowing experience). It is one of my top ten favorite King stories. When I heard Darabont was going to helm the big-screen adaptation I broke down into tears and wee-wee'd in my boxers.

You know you're in the right movie when: The stockroom scene cements its faithfulness to the source material by recreating even the bursting bag of dog food...but the suckers on the tentacles have now been upgraded to long, black spikes. Don't stand near the door, Norm!

I have ADD--boil it down™: A mysterious mist harboring bloodthirsty creatures rolls over Castle Rock, Maine, and a melting pot of townspeople are trapped in a grocery store...Thomas Jane becomes every character he plays, and he's unrecognizable at first...the subtext during the "consequences of ruling through fear" conversation made me want to stand and applaud...you may want to smack Marcia Gay Harden in real life because of her perfect Mrs. Carmody (but don't)...I was disappointed by no King cameo...CG was top-notch...Toby Jones as "Ollie" deserves to be the next big action hero...make sure your date doesn't eat popcorn with too much butter on an empty stomach like mine did.

Final word: Darabont takes you farther into the mist than even King did--and ultimately schools him in the ways of raw horror.

Hardcore rating: 4 out of 5 "Hardcore, Chucks"