Busted For Virtually Nothing

We are three-bald-psychics- floating-in-skim-milk away from becoming the society in The Minority Report. Do you realize that?

Here in the U.S. a few years back, a teenager in Kentucky was arrested for writing a story about zombies taking over his school. He was charged with terrorism. But, see, the interesting part is that zombies don't really exist, no matter what Rider thinks, and the kid who wrote it didn't will them into existence to do his bidding...so no harm no foul, right?

But in the last two days there have been reports about folks being sentenced for crimes they didn't actually commit. It's getting ridiculous.

Two Amsterdam teens were sentenced by a Dutch court to hundreds of hours of community service for stealing virtual objects ("virtual" here meaning: not existing in the real world but only in digital form). They were playing an online game called RuneScape and "coerced" a 13-year-old to transfer "a virtual amulet and a virtual mask to their game accounts."

Doy!

In essence, an eighth-grader was talked into giving up nothing to nobody, and now two real kids are picking up real trash along a real highway (where, ironically, they could be struck by a scary-real semi truck skidding out of control).

Then there's the lady in Japan whose Second Life avatar was virtually married to a virtual dude, but when he "divorced" her she killed his avatar...and went to real prison. Can you imagine being so upset by an imaginary break-up that you delete your ex's character and wind up behind bars?

By this logic, when Johnny Baer ripped up my "Princess Unicorn" story back in third grade, I could've pressed charges because he committed genocide against an entire race of beautiful, pink mythological animals who answered to me and my magic rainbow staff that sprayed floating hearts. I'd like to see him hanged for that atrocity! Butter Gallop ran like the wind and I miss her dearly!

This just the beginning. Courts are going to have to decide where reality and digital worlds meet up, and law books will be rewritten. Judges will have to sentence the guilty for all sorts of criminal nonsense.

Avatars of parents will have to be created to answer for the shenanigans of their virtual kids. They'll appear on YouTube saying, "But we weren't logged in when UltraBobby was destroying MileyFan88's Spore civilization! How could we have known?"

Digital penitentiaries will house criminals with insect wings and giant heads and swords for arms, while their human creators sit blankly in front of monitors showing a jail cell with four walls and a cot...just moving their mouse back and forth as they pace impatiently, waiting for their turn in the exercise yard under the twin moons.

Real people held accountable for fake crimes. Nice.

Note: I'm in a virtual prison myself, as we have a substitute here in computer lab who's taking forever to check the class' work on our bouncing cube project. Jeez.

Why I Haven't Blogged Much This Week

Regular readers of the Block know I'm unemployed and have nothing better to do than monitor the weak pulse of pop culture. It's not like I have a full-time job, right? So why have I been so slack with the posting and the blogging and the hoyvin-glayvin?*

I'll give you three reasons.

I haven't blogged because I've been watching TV.

Specifically Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

It's the show that asks the question, "Why would a shapely female robot from the future need three belts?"

You should be watching this series. The first season was cut short by the Writers Guild strike--reported regularly here for months on end--so the storyline was a little uneven and ended abruptly.

Why watch? Because Shirley Manson from Garbage is a new, recurring character. The jury's still out on how well she can act, but the opening minutes of the premiere features her cover of "Samson & Delilah." It's a perfect four-and-a-half-minute sequence without dialogue. Watch it here and tell me you were a fool not to watch season one.

I haven't blogged because I've been playing PS3.

Someone cute gave me a gift card and, since Best Buy doesn't sell unleaded gas or a Mr. Fusion, I blew it all on Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock.

I was getting all full of myself, shredding along to "Mississippi Queen" and "Barracuda"...then that dick Tom Morello whipped my ass and prevented me from advancing to the next level.

He will be dealt with soon. I'll show him why my band is called "Smacky Justice."

I haven't blogged because I've been driving my clown car.

But first I had to find purple garland and plastic American flags made in China.

By the way, can anyone tell me what "dee-bag" means? Is it by any chance a slang term meaning "most awesome clown ever"? That's what everyone was yelling.

I am available for bar mitzvahs and corporate events.

* Say the last half of that sentence in a Professor Frink voice...you'll think I'm funnier than I actually am

Last Blogger Standing

"Where the hell's Rider?"

I heard your bitching.

If you must know, I slipped into the pop culture equivalent of a coma. With the TV season still weeks away, I resorted to renting V: The Original Miniseries and playing Donkey Kong (only 500 Wii points* on the Wii Shop Channel!)

It was like 1983 all over again, minus the low self-esteem and inescapable Fixx songs.

On the bright side, I finished reading the final collection of the Y: The Last Man series from Vertigo/DC Comics.


If you haven't read it, Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra crafted a superb 60-issue story about a mysterious plague that wiped out every individual on the planet with a Y chromosome. Only one man, Yorick Brown, survived the "gendercide."

It's a fascinating read and impossible to put down. Vaughan delves into the way society would change with women running everything from governments to the entertainment industry to black ops.

The only thing he doesn't explore is how the blogosphere would change...which got me thinking.

If a plague killed off every blogger on the planet except me, it'd be interesting to see exactly who would be left. Many questions and suspicions about the identities of my online friends would be confirmed by the sheer number of blogs with no new entries.

For example, I've met Slinger and McGone and I know they are fine, upstanding representations of the human male (the latter proving it by not wearing Crocs, but that's beside the point).

But who out there is actually a man writing as a woman (or vice versa)?

And how else would the Interwebs change without guys?

Please post your guesses in the comments section.

And ladies, hug a man today. The world would suck without us.
* That's five bucks to you, you non-Wii-playin' loser!

Open Letter to My Friend Playing Guitar Hero III Next to Me

'Sup, dude?

'Member Tuesday when we were rockin' the PS3 at your place? Then Slash crawled out of your mouth and took over for you? Not cool, bro. I kinda messed my pants a little and mom was pissed.


Next time that happens I'm out the window. No, seriously, bro. But first I'll slap the top hat off that scary prick's head and swing the controller upside his skull. I don't care what his score was.

Sincerely,
The Best Dual-play Partner You'll Ever Have Unless I Turn Into Eddie Van Halen